Breakfast Surprises
by CatastrophicMeltdown
Summary: *SLASH/FEMSLASH* It had started out a day like any other. And then Harry Potter walked into the Great Hall. And all Hell broke loose. A bit cracky.


**AN:** Okay, for all you guys patiently awaiting the next chapter of 'Black, White, and Gray', I couldn't get this oneshot out of my head. So i wrote it out and am posting it to help get the juices flowing and help tide you guys over until the next chapter. You can consider it a Yuletide gift from me.

As always, Read and Review!

Warnings: Snoggage (not explicit) and screeching females. Man, that's really light. I need to fix that. i'll make it up to yuou in BW&G.

**

* * *

**

It was time for breakfast at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Students were straggling into the hall, bleary-eyed and wishing they could enjoy some of the good weather they could see just outside the Entrance Hall doors. It was not meant to be however; they had classes today, and therefore they could not just eat and skip outside for some fun and relaxation. Many voiced their protests by grumbling and moaning about their classes. Needless to say, the professors weren't listening while calmly eating their breakfast. They'd heard this almost everyday for years, after all.

All in all, a very normal day at Hogwarts.

And then Harry Potter walked through the doors of the Great Hall.

There was nothing inherently unusual about this. He looked normal – Gryffindor robes neatly pressed, hair looking like he just rolled out of bed after a good shag – and he went to the same spot he usually sat at the Gryffindor table – remembering to give Malfoy a glare on his way there. Hermione was already there reading a book about transfiguration when there is a large difference in mass – nothing unusual there either. Then Harry sat down and leaned over to give her a kiss on the cheek, at the same time that Hermione turned to ask him a question.

And all hell broke loose.

Their lips met in a quick peck, and they thought nothing of it – until Ginny yelled at the top of her lungs, "I KNEW IT!" Being a child of Molly Weasley she had quite a set of lungs, and conversations in the now full hall ground to a complete stop; everyone wanted to see this new piece of drama unfold at the Gryffindor table.

Harry and Hermione stared bemused as Ginny did a little happy dance in her seat. Hermione sighed and said, "Okay, I'll bite. What did you know Ginny?"

Ginny grinned manically at them. "I _knew_ you two would get together eventually! Lots of people started to believe me when they saw how you two would act around each other – blushing and giggling and the like with each other. You two were also getting pretty touchy-feely. I saw an opportunity, and started a betting pool on when you two would get together. There was quite a bit of gold put in for the pot, but when we didn't see any progress everyone began to think no one would win. I bet on you two getting together in your seventh year, second semester after April. Looks like I won."

Harry and Hermione's eyebrows had almost disappeared into their hairline. Then they got really strange expressions that looked like they were holding back laughter, terrified, and embarrassed at the same time. They also kept shooting slightly worried glances at the Slytherin table. Many passed off the glances as worried about the possible ammunition the Slytherins would gain from this. Boy, were they wrong.

Harry spoke up first, and his face had finally settled on holding back laughter. "So, you mean to tell me that a great deal of the people in our house – if not the school in general – thought that me and Hermione would eventually get together." Hermione broke in with a, "Hermione and I." Harry glared at her, and she held her hands palm out in a gesture of surrender. "Habit, Harry."

Harry just shook his head at her. "Anyway, you guys bet on when _Hermione and I_ would be getting together. As in a couple, kissing and holding hands, having sexual relations with each other." They watched as most of the students in the Hall nodded. And then they burst into laughter. Not just any laughter either. This was 'laughing-till-your-sides-hurt-and-you-can't-breath-with-tears-rolling-down-your-face' laughter. Most of the hall was staring at them with a kind of morbid amusement.

Hermione managed to pull herself together first, and then tried to help Harry do the same. When they were sufficiently calm, Harry said, "Oh Ginny, I hate to tell you this, but no one's gonna win the bet. There's no way Hermione and I would ever get together." Ginny pouted at them. "Aw, why Harry? There's a lot of gold in it for you if you do." Harry and Hermione got identical smirks on their face. "Because, Ginny, I'm as gay as they come and Hermione's a lesbian."

Silence. Even the teachers, who had been trying to ignore the drama but got pulled in anyway, were staring at the two Gryffindors in shocked silence. This, of course, got Harry and Hermione started again, though the laughing fit wasn't anywhere near as bad as the last time. Seamus was the first to recover.

"How come you didn't tell us? And damn, how could we not notice?" Harry shrugged. "Probably because you think gays and lesbians act a certain way, that gays are fashion oriented and act like girls and lesbians are butch. Many with our orientation act the same as our straight counterparts." Harry grinned roguishly. "Except that we tend to let our eyes stray in the opposite direction."

Hermione giggled. "Oh, and don't try to set us up with anyone. We're both already in committed and loving relationships. And no, we won't tell you who, no matter how hard you try to get us to spill. We'll only tell if they want us to." Seeing as their attention was focused on the opposite side of the hall, no one noticed two Slytherins stealthily get up and make their way across the Hall.

Luckily, Ron chose that moment to enter the Great Hall, so their movement was more readily disguised. He paused as all eyes swiveled to him, and then continued on his way to his seat. He gave Hermione a peck on the cheek and Harry a one-armed hug. He was about to dig into the plate they had set aside for him when he noticed that all the eyes of the Hall were still on him. He turned to Harry. "Is there something wrong? Did I mess up my robes or something?" Harry opened his mouth to answer, but Dean beat him to it.

"Did you know that Harry and Hermione preferred their own sex?" Ron looked at him incredulously. "Of course I did. It was kind of hard not to notice." Many smiled sheepishly. "Plus, walking in on one friend in a heavy snog session and the other with most of their clothes missing – both enjoying the company of the same sex – makes it kind of hard not to put two and two together."

Both Harry and Hermione groaned. "Roooon! Did you have to say that? Now we'll never be left alone!" Ron smiled apologetically, and it made them feel moderately better about enduring the torture that was sure to start. Ginny opened her mouth to start asking what was sure to be many questions, but someone else beat her to it.

"What's this we hear about a heavy snog session and half-naked Gryffindors?" Draco Malfoy had finally stepped into the fray, one arm draped across Pansy's waist. They were walking nonchalantly toward where the trio was sitting, and many students leaned forward. Surely Malfoy would be able to wrangle some answers out of them; after all, he had the talent to get under Harry's skin pretty easily.

"Did a Gryffindor party go more wild than usual? Usually we only hear about table dancing and stripping." Many focused back on the trio when they saw them go red. My, that would certainly be a good story to hear. Ginny made a mental note to ask them about it later.

"Shut it, Malfoy. This is none of your business, so go back to your table and sit with the snakes." Malfoy and Pansy smirked, and it was a good thing they were sitting down because those smirks didn't bode well for Harry and Hermione's mental processes. It was their 'I'm-going-to-ravage-you-where-you-stand' smirks. The dual action didn't help the other occupants of the Hall either. After all, Malfoy tied with Harry for Sexiest Male and Pansy had grown into her beauty over the years. Both of them smirking like that caused many to momentarily lose track of their thoughts.

"Actually, it is very much our business." Malfoy and Pansy moved to stand behind Harry and Hermione, and a few occupants of the Hall managed to put two and two together before the bomb was dropped. "After all, we wouldn't want our fiancées to flounder and say something they shouldn't – like preferred positions." And just like that they leaned down and kissed their respective partners.

The stunned silence that followed went down into the history books as the moment Hogwarts was totally silent. Then the kissing got more heated, turning into an all-out snog session, complete with over-the-clothes groping. They broke apart at Ron's groan. "What have I told you guys about doing that in front of me?"

"Not to do it without giving you fair warning."

"To make sure the clothes stay on while still in your sight."

"To keep the lewd noises to a minimum."

"And to keep it in our pants or skirts until out of your sight or hearing."

Ron nodded emphatically. "Now put that into practice. We have impressionable young minds in the vicinity." The quartet laughed. Draco smiled indulgently at him. "Of course, Ron. We live to keep the sanctity of the virgin minds and ears intact." This time Ron joined in on their laughter.

Ginny regained enough of her composure to sputter indignantly. "You knew about this?" Ron looked at her like she had jumped on the table and professed undying love to Professor Snape. "Of course I did. They're my best friends, and my best friends' significant other always has a place in my life. Plus they're all my friends, so of course they told me." As one the quartet 'aww'-ed and all four gave him a kiss on his cheek, causing him to blush a furious Weasley red and making most of the Hall burst into laughter.

Neville was the first to recover from the laughing fit. He stuck his hand out to Draco. "If Ron approves of you getting married to Harry and Hermione, then you mustn't be such bad people under the sneers. Pleased to meet you, my name's Neville Longbottom." The group smiled and both Draco and Pansy shook the offered hand. "Draco Malfoy, and the crazy bint next to me is Pansy Parkinson. Pleased to make your acquaintance." Neville smiled as he was welcomed into the fold. Soon many people were clambering up to the smiling group, even Slytherins, trying to get the full story.

The teachers sat back in their chairs, making sure the chaos stayed moderately organized. They felt the students could have a bit of a break to help foster stronger inter-house relations. After all, this was far more efficient than pairing up Gryffindor and Slytherin classes and attempting to make them work peacefully together.

McGonagall turned to the Headmaster. "Did you know about this Albus?" He smiled indulgently at the overcrowded Gryffindor table. "I had my suspicions, Minerva." And no matter how hard the staff tried to wheedle some answers out of him, he continued to sip his tea and smile indulgently at the chaos the two Gryffindor-Slytherin couples had caused.

* * *

Yeah, i don't know where this came from, and the ending was crap, but what can ya do if the muses leave you high and dry for an ending? Anyway, R&R and i'll try to get the next chapter for BW&G out as soon as possible.

Until next time! 3

**Breakfast Surprises**


End file.
